Crazy O'clock

Sometimes the crazy comes out all at once.
I consider myself a fairly normal, well-educated, and self-aware person. Occasionally I doubt myself, or feel self conscious, but, who doesn't now and then? When Miss Cindy Lee who has perfect hair on a 100% humidity day walks by I wonder if I'm using the right conditioner. Or, when Mrs. Candy Cane, holding what looks to be a 5 minute old baby complains that she ONLY fits into her size 4 jeans, I question my choice to down a 1/2 cup of leftover frosting last night. I could go on; those are the obvious outward things. Other dilemmas are more internal.
Sometimes I feel out of the loop with a friend and begin to wonder if we are as close as I thought we were. That leads me to scrutinize my other friendships... Do I call her enough? Do I ask her to do things too often? Am I boring? Too self-centered? Talk too much? Not enough? I MUST need to improve myself! Should I buy a book? Take a class? Go to therapy? Make a schedule? Make a list? *Insert pounding heart and fast-paced breathing.
Before you know it, I'm in full-blown crazy mode! Irrational thoughts flying around like pudding at a food fight. What started as a little innocent feeling or emotion or concern is now a living breathing crazy monster making me question everything I am!
Usually this phenomenon happens when I am vulnerable to begin with... lonely nights, after stressful situations, or when I'm overwhelmed with life in general. This is "Crazy O'clock."
If I ever hope to change, it is important to begin to notice patterns. When my hubs is around and I ask a Crazy O'clock question he is usually able to quickly diffuse the situation with an, "I love you, but you're crazy!" The blunt honesty usually knocks me back to sanity and I'm reset for awhile. However, since my husband is currently deployed, and with all this late night alone time I've been spending with my thoughts it is hard not to hop on the crazy train then ride it until I'm a crying mess. I've begun to notice my triggers and make plans to avoid them or work with them to prevent hitting Crazy O'clock.
Since crazy not a real time on a real clock I don't have to go there. Following the same old pattern and getting stuck is not inevitable.
The NIV version of Romans 12:2 says "... be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." I also like the NLT "...let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Crazy thinking is NOT the way God wants me to think. With his help I can make a permanent change, and even if I fail a few times, he'll never give up on me. I'm a work in progress and I have a life coach who promises that he will "...be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deut. 31:8

Ch- ch- changes...

In just about 10 weeks, everything will change!
I'm actually kind of lucky right now. I don't have to worry if yummy leftovers will be there next time I open the fridge. I can sit in any spot on the couch. I can take 40 minutes getting ready for bed, or have popcorn for dinner. The thermostat and the remote are all mine! (Ok, so I share the remote with Rylee, haha!) When Mike gets back, its all going to be different. 
After all the lonely nights and frustrations and missing my hubby/friend it seems strange to know there is a kind of a downside to the end of deployment. Rylee and I have our routines pretty much down pat, and I rule the roost! She and I do things our way, but soon we will have to work with someone who does things his way! Where do I step up or compromise? When do I tell him to back off or teach him our routines?
Its actually a little scary. Once Mike steps into the house we have to start learning to live together again! Ugh! And its not just me and Mike, its also Rylee, who has been without dad more time than she has been with him.
It would be nice to think that everything will just fall into place perfectly. Rylee will bond with dad like he never left, I will have the kitchen spotless every day by 5:30, and Mike will do all the activities with me that I've been missing out on. Oh, I wish! I'm sure we are going to butt heads about more than one thing many times each day. My leftovers might get scarfed. My prime TV spot might get taken. Mike might fall asleep before I mosey over to bed and, shocker, he might expect a proper dinner!
The one thing I know is, that, no matter what things are like when deployment ends, Mike and I have been through super-crappy-stressfull-will-this-ever-end stuff before and made it through. Marriage is a relationship that will never not need work. Lazy people need not apply for marriage! It might take some trial and error, but we are in this for the long haul and being together and working things out is a whole lot better than being apart.

I'm Sorry, What???

Having a plan is about more than being a planner.
So, I finally got my act together enough to lose 20 lbs without monitoring my every calorie 24/7 and without hitting the gym for two-a-days. Then, BAM! What was that? Oh, life! Yes, life happens. Life happens all the time. You can tell that life is happening when you use a phrase to excuse bad behaviors. Example - Your kid is watching 9 hours of TV a day, its ok, "its summer." Or, you finish off the last 3/4 cup of icing left in the fridge, its ok, "I don't want it to go to waste."
Life happened to me when I had to start going to physical therapy and then, after I just got ok with that, my husband e-mails and says his deployment is getting extended. LIFE!!! I get into full on, out of control mode. I can tell I feel out of control when my dishes go undone, I have laundry unfolded on the couch, and there is something crunchy in my mouth. Those of us with food issues know that no matter how conscious we are of the problem, food is still holds the #1 place in our deal with stress tool kit.
When life get stressful and out of control even little things can be overwhelming and I want to make the easy choices. Leave the laundry until tomorrow, do dishes later, and go through the drive through for dinner. Its true, sometimes my brain space is taken up by all the "stuff." of life. That is why I need a plan.
One time I heard another mom say, "I have a meal plan for the next 6 months." WHAT??? I don't even have a plan for lunch let alone the next 6 months. But you know what, having a plan is not so much about sitting on your high horse looking down at all those without a plan, but a smart strategy for dealing with life. If I know my plan is having oatmeal for breakfast every day, I can fall back on that no matter how much of my brain space is taken up with the stuff of life. I can use the energy of a good day to plan ahead and make a bad day not so bad.
I'm admitting that I don't have a great plan, but now I see the great value in having one. I will make a plan.

Three sets of Ten

Due to some lower back pain I've been having I'm in physical therapy and my workouts are restricted to walking.
Hearing the news that I should stick to walking only for awhile sent me into an unhealthy tail spin. All the negative and self-defeating thoughts came flooding in. "Why watch your calories if you can't workout?" This is a completely ridiculous thought. Shouldn't I watch my calories more? Oh, my, I just knew that after about 15 weeks of steady loss it would all be over, and what do you know, I did indeed gain a pound that first week of not exercising as I had been.
It is so strange that there is some sort of negative force in us that so wants to see us fail and go back to status quo. If our thoughts predict our failure often enough, we begin to believe that we are indeed going to fail. So many good habits can fall by the wayside lead by our negative thoughts. Even when I know the happiness of wearing a smaller size, my thoughts can lead me right back to commiserating with Dr. Chocolate Cake, PhD.
Perhaps while I am doing the prescribed exercises at physical therapy to strengthen my weak muscles, I should consider some exercises to strengthen my thought life. Things are hardly ever all or nothing and the all or nothing thinking (I must workout four days a week or I might as well just eat whatever I want) actually makes no sense at all, and only leads to discouragement and failure. Sure, I might not be burning the amount of calories that I am used to, but walking is better than sitting and will help me achieve my long term goals much more than giving up. It might be hard to have several weeks of not losing, or losing less than I had been, but why should I give up my healthy habits now?
It's always a good day to reset, restart, and refocus.

Big Flashing Sign

Although I try to deny it I can get lost at the mall, even small ones. And don't get me started about amusement parks! (I am convinced they are designed to keep you in and confused!) I prefer to go to places the same way every time, and thus, not get lost. I have no urge to find a short cut or faster way. I like signs. Big signs with arrows that are easy to follow. I like getting to where I'm going without turning around or doubling back.
Sometimes in life I just want a big sign. No guessing, no wrong turns, a Jesus GPS if you will, to point me in the right direction. It's tough when that slight feeling of dissatisfaction doesn't come with a memo saying, "this means you just need to learn to be content," or, "this means you need to make a change." Its hard when the right turn is easier and comfortable and the left turn means a little effort, but I'm so turned around I don't know my left from my right or my North from my South.
It's at these times that I find it hardest to pray because what I want is a big, neon flashing sign from God that says, "Do this..." Its hardly ever that simple. I know that God can and does work out situations to make things clear, and I have had that experience. However, there are other times and situations where nothing is clear and it almost seems that either choice is a good choice.
Maybe I let the fear of being "lost" take away my confidence? Maybe my pride or selfishness desires more or better than what I currently have? Maybe my restlessness and business don't allow me to fully experience peace in my situation?
I have a sneaking feeling that sometimes it doesn't matter if we take the right or the left turn. We tend to think of our life as on a line heading in one direction, one destination. Maybe it's ok to feel lost sometimes. Maybe we are meant to feel that anxiety and tension and let it focus us back to God who is ultimately in control.
I'll never say no to a big flashing sign from the heavens. I'll let you know if I see one.

No Looking Back

I will never be "back" to where I was physically, but isn't that a normal part of aging? I have come to the semi-professional mental health conclusion that much of life is accepting and learning how to grieve and deal with grief. I say that not in a depressed state of mind, but, rather, a positive one. I think we all need to realize that growing and changing and living life fully comes with unmet expectations, the giving up of dreams, and the acceptance that the next stage in life will never be what the previous one was. Our challenge is to recognize losses, accept them and the change, and move forward. Although I have come to this thought through other life experiences, today, several pairs of pants confirmed it once again. I had a yard sale and pulled out all the "pre-baby" pants. After the yard sale all of them were left and I had to decide if I was going to put them back in my closet. I have pants from many times in my life, and the memories clothes can hold is another entry all together, however, I was hoping to one day "get back into" these pants. Get back to them as though the 8lb. 12oz. baby that I gave birth to was something I would just get over, and everything would be back to normal. Not so! My body has permanently changed. But, guess what? My body will continue to permanently change. Wether I have no more kids or 3 more kids, or work out an hour a day or never again, my body will continue to change. One may take this as a statement of giving up, but I take it as empowerment. I need to do what is healthy for my body and what makes me feel good and vital, no matter the stage of life or size of my pants. I cannot only be happy when I measure up to my 22 year old me. If that is my standard then I will be miserable for the rest of my life. I need to be content with the now me, not looking back, but moving forward. Goodbye old pants. Hello days ahead.

Tornado Faith

Its easiest to have "faith" when everything is going along fine and the hardest decision you need to make is what to have for dinner.
Last night we had some bad weather and at least one tornado came through close to where I live. Its hard to believe because this is not Oklahoma or Kansas. Tornadoes in Virginia? By the coast? Well, after I saw the pictures on the news I didn't know it but I was freaked out. This internal freak-out almost always manifests in me laying in bed unable to even consider falling asleep. I kept thinking the wind sounded like it was loud in that freight train way people always describe. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.
Oddly, my little family rode out a fairly significant hurricane in September, which did not freak me out. Sure, some of it might have been because my husband was there with us, but I think it was the preparation for the hurricane that made me feel better. We had candles, water, and food ready, prepared for the worst.
Considering this I thought of the times in my life when the turn in the road was easy to see coming. Times like when Mike was taking shore duty and we had several months to decide what he was going to be doing and where and time to prepare to move. Then there were the other not so thought out or anticipated situations like car accidents or changes beyond our control (like ending up in Salt Lake when we chose Denver!). I could list so many more!
Its easy to trust that God has a good plan when we can see the plan coming together before us, or when we can "prepare." But what about the tornado situations? Is God different when things happen differently? Do I say that God is the same, but react like I don't really believe it? Can I sleep as well through the hurricane as I can through the tornado?  
I can't know how big my faith is if I always feel comfortable, always get to prepare. I get to know myself and my God during the tornado times. Maybe they are not so bad after all...

Meet My Therapist... Chocolate Cake

I ask food to do a lot for me, most of which I am sure it was never ment to do. We need food to live and get nutrients, and food is a big part of bringing family and friends together. But, lately I have come to realize that my several weeks of weight loss success began to come to a screeching halt. I started working out at a place where they have child care and my daughter seems to enjoy the time with other kids, and I have come to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I finish a cycle or kickboxing class. Working out works for me, and unless I have unexpected schedule changes it's easy for me to decide to go to the gym. That's not the problem. I found a great app that tells me how many calories I can eat to lose weight by the date I entered and it factors in the workouts, so, I have all the math in front of me. I know what to do. I did do it. So, what stalled the scale?
It dawned on me that if I eat all my calories by dinner, I can't ask food to be my late night companion anymore. I can't run to ice cream when I've made it through a tough day. A huge piece of cake can't celebrate every big or small event. I ask food to make me feel less sad, more happy, to be with me. I have a relationship with food. I've built it over the years. I know what I want and I know what foods can get me there. It's overwhelming to see how deep down inside I feel the emotions. I rebel against my new awareness of calories and how many calories I need to lose weight or even just to maintain my weight and the thought that this new way of living does not allow me to continue my old relationship with food causes such a strong visceral reaction inside of me. In order to get healthy and be at a healthy weight I have to give up that old relationship. I'm in the grieving process. I'm grieving the loss of an ideal - that I can somehow keep my relationship with food, asking it to be and do so much more than it was ever ment to be or do, and still lose weight. It's not possible. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I am not strong enough to give up food. I keep running back, like the ex you know is so bad for you, but it just feels so good. I'm hoping I can make it through this fear and grieving and come out stronger and healthier. I know the first step is acceptance. Step one - check.

Please Don't Ask Me That Question

Does anyone else experience the phenomenon of becoming so engrossed in something that you forget that no one else knows any of the details? You have been living, breathing, eating sleeping the date/time/schedule that it blows your mind when someone asks "Oh, when is that again?"
Deployment becomes much like that for me. Weeks before Mike leaves I begin to consider all the holidays that will pass while he is gone and what I might do for them. Have a party? Drive to my parents? Sit at home alone with a pint of ice cream? I mark on my calendar month one, two, three. I know exactly when "half way" is and I move it back a week so I don't start getting excited too soon.
Right now I am in month two. The worst month. Its past the time of the initial sadness, but not nearly close enough to half way to start being happy. I get busy. My calendar gets full. I try to forget. Then they ask, "Isn't it about time for Mike to be getting back?" "When is Mike getting back?" NO! I want to yell. Don't you know its only been 9 weeks? Don't you know I'm trying to forget? Don't you know its so excruciatingly far from even half way?

They don't. They don't know. To them it seems like its been awhile, so they ask.  


Its hard to feel that they care about you when you feel the hot sting of tears begin to form behind your eyes. I smile, "Fall," I say. They wince. 


I try to forget, but at any given time I can give you the whole run-down. He left on a Sunday, its been two months and one week, half way is somewhere around early July and he should be back at the very end of September.


They don't know. But I remember that the question is the caring, so maybe I really don't want them to stop asking...

Intro

This is the blog of a Christian woman, Navy wife, and mom sharing what it is like to be me, and hoping that someone can get encouragement, a tip, or a laugh through my trial and error. 

Hoping to make weekly posts and see how it goes!