Meet My Therapist... Chocolate Cake

I ask food to do a lot for me, most of which I am sure it was never ment to do. We need food to live and get nutrients, and food is a big part of bringing family and friends together. But, lately I have come to realize that my several weeks of weight loss success began to come to a screeching halt. I started working out at a place where they have child care and my daughter seems to enjoy the time with other kids, and I have come to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I finish a cycle or kickboxing class. Working out works for me, and unless I have unexpected schedule changes it's easy for me to decide to go to the gym. That's not the problem. I found a great app that tells me how many calories I can eat to lose weight by the date I entered and it factors in the workouts, so, I have all the math in front of me. I know what to do. I did do it. So, what stalled the scale?
It dawned on me that if I eat all my calories by dinner, I can't ask food to be my late night companion anymore. I can't run to ice cream when I've made it through a tough day. A huge piece of cake can't celebrate every big or small event. I ask food to make me feel less sad, more happy, to be with me. I have a relationship with food. I've built it over the years. I know what I want and I know what foods can get me there. It's overwhelming to see how deep down inside I feel the emotions. I rebel against my new awareness of calories and how many calories I need to lose weight or even just to maintain my weight and the thought that this new way of living does not allow me to continue my old relationship with food causes such a strong visceral reaction inside of me. In order to get healthy and be at a healthy weight I have to give up that old relationship. I'm in the grieving process. I'm grieving the loss of an ideal - that I can somehow keep my relationship with food, asking it to be and do so much more than it was ever ment to be or do, and still lose weight. It's not possible. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I am not strong enough to give up food. I keep running back, like the ex you know is so bad for you, but it just feels so good. I'm hoping I can make it through this fear and grieving and come out stronger and healthier. I know the first step is acceptance. Step one - check.