Big Flashing Sign

Although I try to deny it I can get lost at the mall, even small ones. And don't get me started about amusement parks! (I am convinced they are designed to keep you in and confused!) I prefer to go to places the same way every time, and thus, not get lost. I have no urge to find a short cut or faster way. I like signs. Big signs with arrows that are easy to follow. I like getting to where I'm going without turning around or doubling back.
Sometimes in life I just want a big sign. No guessing, no wrong turns, a Jesus GPS if you will, to point me in the right direction. It's tough when that slight feeling of dissatisfaction doesn't come with a memo saying, "this means you just need to learn to be content," or, "this means you need to make a change." Its hard when the right turn is easier and comfortable and the left turn means a little effort, but I'm so turned around I don't know my left from my right or my North from my South.
It's at these times that I find it hardest to pray because what I want is a big, neon flashing sign from God that says, "Do this..." Its hardly ever that simple. I know that God can and does work out situations to make things clear, and I have had that experience. However, there are other times and situations where nothing is clear and it almost seems that either choice is a good choice.
Maybe I let the fear of being "lost" take away my confidence? Maybe my pride or selfishness desires more or better than what I currently have? Maybe my restlessness and business don't allow me to fully experience peace in my situation?
I have a sneaking feeling that sometimes it doesn't matter if we take the right or the left turn. We tend to think of our life as on a line heading in one direction, one destination. Maybe it's ok to feel lost sometimes. Maybe we are meant to feel that anxiety and tension and let it focus us back to God who is ultimately in control.
I'll never say no to a big flashing sign from the heavens. I'll let you know if I see one.

No Looking Back

I will never be "back" to where I was physically, but isn't that a normal part of aging? I have come to the semi-professional mental health conclusion that much of life is accepting and learning how to grieve and deal with grief. I say that not in a depressed state of mind, but, rather, a positive one. I think we all need to realize that growing and changing and living life fully comes with unmet expectations, the giving up of dreams, and the acceptance that the next stage in life will never be what the previous one was. Our challenge is to recognize losses, accept them and the change, and move forward. Although I have come to this thought through other life experiences, today, several pairs of pants confirmed it once again. I had a yard sale and pulled out all the "pre-baby" pants. After the yard sale all of them were left and I had to decide if I was going to put them back in my closet. I have pants from many times in my life, and the memories clothes can hold is another entry all together, however, I was hoping to one day "get back into" these pants. Get back to them as though the 8lb. 12oz. baby that I gave birth to was something I would just get over, and everything would be back to normal. Not so! My body has permanently changed. But, guess what? My body will continue to permanently change. Wether I have no more kids or 3 more kids, or work out an hour a day or never again, my body will continue to change. One may take this as a statement of giving up, but I take it as empowerment. I need to do what is healthy for my body and what makes me feel good and vital, no matter the stage of life or size of my pants. I cannot only be happy when I measure up to my 22 year old me. If that is my standard then I will be miserable for the rest of my life. I need to be content with the now me, not looking back, but moving forward. Goodbye old pants. Hello days ahead.

Tornado Faith

Its easiest to have "faith" when everything is going along fine and the hardest decision you need to make is what to have for dinner.
Last night we had some bad weather and at least one tornado came through close to where I live. Its hard to believe because this is not Oklahoma or Kansas. Tornadoes in Virginia? By the coast? Well, after I saw the pictures on the news I didn't know it but I was freaked out. This internal freak-out almost always manifests in me laying in bed unable to even consider falling asleep. I kept thinking the wind sounded like it was loud in that freight train way people always describe. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.
Oddly, my little family rode out a fairly significant hurricane in September, which did not freak me out. Sure, some of it might have been because my husband was there with us, but I think it was the preparation for the hurricane that made me feel better. We had candles, water, and food ready, prepared for the worst.
Considering this I thought of the times in my life when the turn in the road was easy to see coming. Times like when Mike was taking shore duty and we had several months to decide what he was going to be doing and where and time to prepare to move. Then there were the other not so thought out or anticipated situations like car accidents or changes beyond our control (like ending up in Salt Lake when we chose Denver!). I could list so many more!
Its easy to trust that God has a good plan when we can see the plan coming together before us, or when we can "prepare." But what about the tornado situations? Is God different when things happen differently? Do I say that God is the same, but react like I don't really believe it? Can I sleep as well through the hurricane as I can through the tornado?  
I can't know how big my faith is if I always feel comfortable, always get to prepare. I get to know myself and my God during the tornado times. Maybe they are not so bad after all...