Looking in the Mirror

 

     

    I have to admit that sometimes reading the Bible is a lot like looking at my face in the mirror. And probably not in the way you are thinking. It is familiar. I look at my face and most of the time see nothing new. I see my dark and slightly graying roots growing in at my hairline as usual. I see my same green eyes and the dark circles under my eyes – thanks genes! I see my same lips and same teeth and I can glance at my face in the mirror literally a hundred times a day and be nearly un-phased by the experience.

            This is how reading the Bible feels at times! I read passages that seem so familiar I barely notice that I have read at all. It has been an especially disturbing revelation as I have decided this year to utilize the One Year Bible that has been sitting on my shelf. I read one or two days reading each night (because sometimes I skip a day and need to catch up!) and am surprised at how casually I breeze through the reading.

            Shouldn't I be taking this seriously? Am I doing this wrong? Do I need to set the mood? Is just reading the Bible getting it into my brain? Are the words supernaturally getting somewhere deep into my spirit unconscious? Am I freaking out?!?

            The routine it has become is especially disturbing to me when I experience real moments of “getting it;” which is exactly what happened last night. I was reading the parable about the master who forgave a huge debt and the servant who threw his fellow servant into jail for a small debt. (Matthew 18:21-35) Now, I have heard several Sunday morning messages about the meaning and application of this passage, but as soon as I read the section I knew what it meant for me in that moment.

            I've never been a person who had “enemies” and unless I'm completely delusional, more or less get along with most people. However, there is one person in my past that I feel hurt me badly. I hung on to the relationship thinking something would come of it, but it only ended in me being heart broken and feeling mistreated. When I talked to this person after I could stand it no longer, instead of getting the apology I thought I deserved, they did not take responsibility and did not feel they needed to apologize. I was MAD. I was sad. I was frustrated. I would visibly boil over in anger at the bare mention of this person's name. It is been years since that relationship ended, and the fire of my anger has died down, but the feelings of being terribly wronged still linger.

            After reading the passage, I felt exactly like the servant, having been forgiven of such a huge debt (all my sins!) and yet, still (in my heart) demanding the payment of an apology from my fellow servant. I imagined myself wagging my forgiven finger in their face, saying, “You give me that apology now, or else!” Not a pretty picture to see in the mirror this time. I immediately prayed, telling God that I still feel like I deserve that apology, but I don't want to be the wicked servant who can't forgive. I asked for help forgiving and asked that I myself would be forgiven.

            If reading the Bible was like that experience every time I read it, I might get a little emotionally exhausted. I keep up the routine in expectation of the “getting it” moment knowing that I don't just read to get a life altering "come to Jesus" moment every time. Just like I don't keep believing in God just for getting things from him or having emotional highs all the time. I do believe looking at the familiar over and over does have a benefit. If I know my usual face I can see if something unusual develops, like a new freckle or suspicious spot. The more I allow myself to experience the familiar words of the Bible the more likely I will be able to use the words and apply them when I need to. It is good to know we can trust the words of Hebrews 4:12, "For the Word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires." (NLT)

Something I Learned from the Navy (part 2)

"Can go beach today?" I told Rylee we would go (and we did!) just because I was so happy and surprised that she put a whole sentence together. It amazes me how children pick up language. They go from crying to cooing to "dada" to "Can I have ice cream for breakfast?" It also amazes me at what words they find important. Rylee went through a whole stage where she said "maybe" all the time. "Rylee, do you want some milk?" "Maybe." "Rylee, is it time for a nap?" "Maybe." Haha Well, I began to realize how often I had been saying "maybe" myself!

Words are pretty powerful. I was so inspired by the words I found in the Navy writing guide that I was ready to make some changes in my life. Proverbs 18:21 says that the tongue has the power of life and death. If that's really true, I want and need some words of life in my life, not just words of inspiration. 

My attention was drawn to Philippians 4:4-9 (you know, the "think on these things" passage)  and decided that would be a great place to begin. Here are my new inspirational bullet points:

Faces all situations with joyfulness

Possesses a gentleness that extends to others

Quick to avoid needless worry

Dedicated to prayer

Experiences an incomprehensible and supernatural peace

Epitome of proper thinking

Reputation for practicing what is preached

I think these are some words worth putting on the fridge and being inspired by... I know I am particular about what I don't want said around Rylee because I don't want her picking it up, but what good things are being picked up? I want her to know the principles I aspire to and where they come from. Hopefully I do/say them so often that it is only natural she starts repeating them.

Something I Learned From the Navy (part 1)

I am not in the Navy, but my husband is, and no matter how hard he tries, a little Navy creeps into our home life every now and then.
Recently, Mike has been writing up performance reviews, recommendations and the like for work. He doesn't mind it and mentioned it to me recently. That is why I was not surprised to find "Navy and Marine Corps Performance Writing Guide" on his dresser. I was interested in finding out what was in that book. A bunch of grammar? Formatting? I cracked it open. General rules... write in third person, don't use the usual abbreviations, but write them out, examples of letters. Seems like the usual stuff. Oh, lists of words one should use, lots of action words and adjectives to describe personality, humane qualities, and speaking and writing abilities. Ok, gotcha, make things easy for the guys writing, pick a few words, that describe Smith, and get on with your day.
Then, I found it, the bullet point phrases. At first they seemed silly, "Can do enthusiasm," "even tempered," "elegant manner?" So Navy! hahaha
But then I read on... "composed, not easily excited under stress or pressure," "instills motivation in others with relative ease," "proficient and industrious in performance of duty."
WOW! What I wouldn't give to have those said about me! I got to thinking about the funk I've been in since the start of summer... sleeping in, letting Rylee watch TV most of the day, wanting to be entertained, not work. Blah, what a terrible review I would get!
I was inspired! I want to be better. I decided to chose a phrase, post it on the refrigerator and be it! I would embody the value I posted until it was natural, then chose a new one.
OH, BOY! I chose "maintains an atmosphere of pride and accomplishment." Should be easy, right. I'm always praising Rylee for a job well done and I think I let Mike know that I am proud of him. Enter: potty training!!!! Pride and accomplishment. Pride and accomplishment. "Okay Rylee today we are going to wear big girl underwear!" She somehow managed to stay dry for an hour while I got us ready for the gym. She has to wear a diaper to the gym, so she's off the hook for that part. Pride and accomplishment - she stayed dry a whole hour! Mike got home and I got to tell him the great news! Then, back in underwear, Rylee got really quiet and I found her in a puddle of pee! Pride and accomplishment. Pride and accomplishment! This is okay, let's try again, you stayed dry for one hour this morning. Another pee puddle. I feel the frustration bubbling up yet again. Back to diapers. How can I maintain an atmosphere of pride and accomplishment if I'm not proud or accomplishing anything? 
I am still inspired by the sterling phrases from the "writing guide." Sometimes we all need to be inspired. Maybe a list of guidelines and goals is not for you, but at times I find it comforting to have a direction to follow, to know there is something higher than my day to day sweatpants level of achievement to strive towards. I crave the reaching forward and upward that lets me know there is more to life than PB&J's and cleaning pee-pee puddles; that what I am doing now will affect my future after preschoolers and potty training. I wondered, though, should the Navy be setting my aspirations? As a Christian, shouldn't the Bible be setting my standards? Wouldn't it be easy to have a "Bible Performance Guide" with bullet points that I can post on my fridge? Then I got to thinking... (to be continued)  

I want my Mommy!!

This post should have been written several months ago... Like August/September. Oh, well.
So, over the summer my hubs, Rylee's dad, was on deployment. So I filled my days meeting other moms and their kids to hang out and just pass time, which was way more fun than sitting at home. Plus, bonus, real adult conversation! Rylee was really starting to use more words and even knew the name of her closest (like down the street close) friend. So cute.
Now, when I was growing up, pretty much all of my Mom's friends were from church, so she told me to call them Sister So-and-so, or Brother Whats-his-name. And at the least, people older than me were "Miss" or "Mr." This was the basic manners for respecting adults. After contemplating if this was still a manners thing, or, totally outdated, I settled on calling my mom friends "Miss" whatever their name was. I got excited that Rylee might start calling them by name as it appeared she was recognizing my friends when we met up. Unfortunately, to my horror, Rylee started calling all my mom friends, "mom." WHAT!??!! I'm "mom"!!!!
Rylee didn't call me anything. No "mom" in the middle of the night. No "mommy" when she got a boo-boo. Nothing. And she didn't have to. I was the only one around. When she cried, I was the one who came. When she fell, I picked her up. A dear friend pointed out that there was no dad around to be calling me mom. Rylee didn't know what to call me. I was just there, and I was just sad.
Fast forward a few short months and Rylee finally caught on. How my heart burst to hear, "Mommy!" when I picked her up at daycare at the gym. How I teared up when she said, "nigh nigh, mom." Oh, how precious, that one word out of her sweet, tiny mouth.
It is almost hard to remember those touching times now, as all I hear is, "mom, mom, mom, MOM!!" O!M!G! "I am RIGHT HERE"  I say. She will do it if I'm reading a book and she wants to point something out. She will do it if I'm taking a quick moment to send a text. She will do it even if we are making eye contact!!! EYE CONTACT!!!
I laugh to think of the total paradox in feeling that changed from one extreme to the other in so short a time. I thought about the proverb, "be careful what you wish for." Then I wondered, what was I really wishing for? Just wishing she would call me mom and be... correct?
I think at the time I was really just wishing for the hard mom times to be over and for that small word to show me that she realized all I was for her and all I was doing for her. The sleepless nights, alone, rocking her because she had a cold and she was so congested she couldn't suck her thumb to settle down and sleep. The days of guilt wondering if so much TV was going to cause permanent damage. The long, boring days when I was just sad that hubby was not with us. I needed to know she knew it was me.
Mom. The word means so much.

Crazy O'clock

Sometimes the crazy comes out all at once.
I consider myself a fairly normal, well-educated, and self-aware person. Occasionally I doubt myself, or feel self conscious, but, who doesn't now and then? When Miss Cindy Lee who has perfect hair on a 100% humidity day walks by I wonder if I'm using the right conditioner. Or, when Mrs. Candy Cane, holding what looks to be a 5 minute old baby complains that she ONLY fits into her size 4 jeans, I question my choice to down a 1/2 cup of leftover frosting last night. I could go on; those are the obvious outward things. Other dilemmas are more internal.
Sometimes I feel out of the loop with a friend and begin to wonder if we are as close as I thought we were. That leads me to scrutinize my other friendships... Do I call her enough? Do I ask her to do things too often? Am I boring? Too self-centered? Talk too much? Not enough? I MUST need to improve myself! Should I buy a book? Take a class? Go to therapy? Make a schedule? Make a list? *Insert pounding heart and fast-paced breathing.
Before you know it, I'm in full-blown crazy mode! Irrational thoughts flying around like pudding at a food fight. What started as a little innocent feeling or emotion or concern is now a living breathing crazy monster making me question everything I am!
Usually this phenomenon happens when I am vulnerable to begin with... lonely nights, after stressful situations, or when I'm overwhelmed with life in general. This is "Crazy O'clock."
If I ever hope to change, it is important to begin to notice patterns. When my hubs is around and I ask a Crazy O'clock question he is usually able to quickly diffuse the situation with an, "I love you, but you're crazy!" The blunt honesty usually knocks me back to sanity and I'm reset for awhile. However, since my husband is currently deployed, and with all this late night alone time I've been spending with my thoughts it is hard not to hop on the crazy train then ride it until I'm a crying mess. I've begun to notice my triggers and make plans to avoid them or work with them to prevent hitting Crazy O'clock.
Since crazy not a real time on a real clock I don't have to go there. Following the same old pattern and getting stuck is not inevitable.
The NIV version of Romans 12:2 says "... be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." I also like the NLT "...let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Crazy thinking is NOT the way God wants me to think. With his help I can make a permanent change, and even if I fail a few times, he'll never give up on me. I'm a work in progress and I have a life coach who promises that he will "...be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deut. 31:8

Ch- ch- changes...

In just about 10 weeks, everything will change!
I'm actually kind of lucky right now. I don't have to worry if yummy leftovers will be there next time I open the fridge. I can sit in any spot on the couch. I can take 40 minutes getting ready for bed, or have popcorn for dinner. The thermostat and the remote are all mine! (Ok, so I share the remote with Rylee, haha!) When Mike gets back, its all going to be different. 
After all the lonely nights and frustrations and missing my hubby/friend it seems strange to know there is a kind of a downside to the end of deployment. Rylee and I have our routines pretty much down pat, and I rule the roost! She and I do things our way, but soon we will have to work with someone who does things his way! Where do I step up or compromise? When do I tell him to back off or teach him our routines?
Its actually a little scary. Once Mike steps into the house we have to start learning to live together again! Ugh! And its not just me and Mike, its also Rylee, who has been without dad more time than she has been with him.
It would be nice to think that everything will just fall into place perfectly. Rylee will bond with dad like he never left, I will have the kitchen spotless every day by 5:30, and Mike will do all the activities with me that I've been missing out on. Oh, I wish! I'm sure we are going to butt heads about more than one thing many times each day. My leftovers might get scarfed. My prime TV spot might get taken. Mike might fall asleep before I mosey over to bed and, shocker, he might expect a proper dinner!
The one thing I know is, that, no matter what things are like when deployment ends, Mike and I have been through super-crappy-stressfull-will-this-ever-end stuff before and made it through. Marriage is a relationship that will never not need work. Lazy people need not apply for marriage! It might take some trial and error, but we are in this for the long haul and being together and working things out is a whole lot better than being apart.

I'm Sorry, What???

Having a plan is about more than being a planner.
So, I finally got my act together enough to lose 20 lbs without monitoring my every calorie 24/7 and without hitting the gym for two-a-days. Then, BAM! What was that? Oh, life! Yes, life happens. Life happens all the time. You can tell that life is happening when you use a phrase to excuse bad behaviors. Example - Your kid is watching 9 hours of TV a day, its ok, "its summer." Or, you finish off the last 3/4 cup of icing left in the fridge, its ok, "I don't want it to go to waste."
Life happened to me when I had to start going to physical therapy and then, after I just got ok with that, my husband e-mails and says his deployment is getting extended. LIFE!!! I get into full on, out of control mode. I can tell I feel out of control when my dishes go undone, I have laundry unfolded on the couch, and there is something crunchy in my mouth. Those of us with food issues know that no matter how conscious we are of the problem, food is still holds the #1 place in our deal with stress tool kit.
When life get stressful and out of control even little things can be overwhelming and I want to make the easy choices. Leave the laundry until tomorrow, do dishes later, and go through the drive through for dinner. Its true, sometimes my brain space is taken up by all the "stuff." of life. That is why I need a plan.
One time I heard another mom say, "I have a meal plan for the next 6 months." WHAT??? I don't even have a plan for lunch let alone the next 6 months. But you know what, having a plan is not so much about sitting on your high horse looking down at all those without a plan, but a smart strategy for dealing with life. If I know my plan is having oatmeal for breakfast every day, I can fall back on that no matter how much of my brain space is taken up with the stuff of life. I can use the energy of a good day to plan ahead and make a bad day not so bad.
I'm admitting that I don't have a great plan, but now I see the great value in having one. I will make a plan.